New Haven

Not exactly haven though, because this is going to be public.

I’ve ran three tumblrs for many years now, two idle and a running one.

The first two were intended for fandom and graphics. The running one was my personal blog. I used to write on journal notebooks to save records of what transpired in my life every year but I tired and stopped when I entered my second year in highschool. I decided to write again in my junior year, but for a change, through blogging. It was more convenient because time was crucial—I had many commitments then and I took too much time to invest and venture on a lot of things to help myself decide and prepare for college.

That turned out useless because I am where I’m not supposed to be right now.

Anyway, my personal blog’s been solitary for a while now. I provided no identity, in fear of getting tracked again. It was terrifying and traumatic. You realize someone from school has been reading and following your crap. Not just someone, but someone you like. Screw you google. It was personal, purely personal. I utilized my liberty to act immature and dumb and mean and bitchy and emotional and unreasonable and inconsistent and everything I’m embarrassed about in the most drastic manner possible, sure of the fact that I’m not being watched. And then someone sees it. I felt bare, curled up and naked. It was very appalling—people use what you spit down there against you. And they make fun of you for it. It was so fucked up I deleted my information and changed urls every month.

However, being “down” there has been quite detrimental. I wallowed alone in misery and grief. The past weeks had been a huge let-down—not that ’twas a first, but I’m growing up and old. My viewpoints on things are changing. The way I deal with my emotions changed along with the way I deal with problems. I’m still struggling, and at least still learning. And I thought that for a change, I’d get out of that limbo and expose myself in the wide open. Yes, It doesn’t feel reassuring, and thoughts that I might regret this went up and down my spine. I’m not used to letting people inside my shell, because I know for a fact that most are just nosy rascals (and because I am too, sometimes). But I guess I’d take this as a step forward, a move to finally and genuinely like myself, to accept me for who and what I am regardless of what all of you have to say.

Sounds so cliche, I know. Doesn’t mean its relevance wears off.

And finally, today, I become myself.

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