This time I’m not going to watch myself die

They say the bad ideas made the happy memories.

I wish that applies all the time, because I’m drowning with bad ideas. I’m filled with negative thoughts yet I’m surrounded with unhappy memories, even miserable ones.

I feel regretful, sometimes.
Just sometimes, because I forget anyway.

Thoughts are overflowing in my head. I’m losing focus in fact. My thoughts continue to stray to that moment, and everything rushes back in. It keeps resonating in my head although a thing was never spoken.

I wanted to run and simply forget.

I want to escape, I don’t think I have to be forgiven.

Because no, i’ll never be forgiven.

I’ve smashed it, with all might stemming from thoughts of pain and vengeance.

I was the first one who got hurt;
the first one who got confused;
the first one who felt betrayed;
the first one who felt abandoned.

You’ve brought this upon yourself. You turned me into this. You knew exactly what you did to me. You knew exactly what you were doing to me.

But I let it all slide. All of it. Because you were my friend.

Because I was nobody to anyone compared to you.

However this time, I’m not letting it off. Being hurt doesn’t give me the right to hurt other people as well, I know, but it’s an option.

A better option.

YOU PULL THE TRIGGER. YOU FINISH THIS. Because I’m not doing that.

I’m not doing anything for anyone anymore.

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