On my own

I can’t help but feel useless.
Everyday I get up. Everyday I get out of my bed, only to further realize my augmenting insignificance. None of it made sense. None of these is making sense. I continue to wake up feeling more lonely each day. I wasn’t happy with myself. Neither when I was with other people. I’m not happy when I’m home. And only yesterday when I realized that I wasn’t happy with my best pals either. Although I laughed and joked around with them. Although I provided the comical vibe. I don’t even talk to Mom anymore. She wasn’t trying either. But that’s okay. Who am I to complain, I wasn’t doing anything that great for the person who gave me everything I needed and didn’t. All I did was pursue an honor that was meaningless in the long run. I poured my life to learning and education. I gambled my happiness for something I thought was eternal tranquility. I was blind. And now I don’t even have many friends. My siblings said I didn’t have friends because I am exactly like this. And heartbreaking enough, my mom says that a lot too. Haha, like you understand. I thought you were the only one who understood me. Turned out not even you.

This feels a whole lot like living to die. The thought neither pains me nor comforts me. Why do I feel like I ran away from happiness despite presumably thinking that it was right within reach? Maybe I should have just lived for the moment. What of the future, I’m not even sure if I could live up to it. Maybe I should just do what I want. What of the honor and praise, that doesn’t, after all, make me any more deserving of Mom’s love. UP blinded me. I gave the community more attention than myself. Why do I carry the burden of assuring that the unprivileged have it or will have it together soon, or someday? Why do I have to care about their well-being? Why do I have to put other people’s happiness before me? Why wasn’t I happy even after everything I did for this stupid world? Even after venturing on a significant existence? Why does it feel like none of my hardwork paid off? Why do I feel like all of my hardships were useless? Why? Why, God?

Why am I unhappy when I did everything right? Am I not entitled to become happy?

Why don’t you just let me die?

Right. Why won’t I just die.
Trying was proved senseless.
This is not living.
This is just not being dead. Physically.

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