Somehow at this point, I’ve finally found my resolve.
Over the course of about a lifetime, I’ve never been really happy about the romantic aspect of my life. At least not absolute. I’ve never entered a relationship, and I’ve never actually discussed my status with someone. Perhaps it was partly because I’m too egotistic to be the one to bring that sort of thing up, and partly because I’m afraid that would immediately put an end on a seemingly beginning of something unknown. Or unsure. So I guess I’m stopping here. Not that I was looking for The One all my life (seriously that’s stupid and delusional), it’s just that I’ve been endlessly hoping that things would work out. That things could work themselves out. Because if things would be, they’d be. Let the chips fall where they may they say. And similar cliched crap.
That was a dumb thing to believe in.
I know, I know. I don’t know what lies ahead but it’s all in my hands. I decide my fate. And if I won’t do anything nothing would come out of this. But I’m a fool. I don’t know what to do. Initially I thought I did. I believed I did. And people believed me too and listened to my advices. Ironically things worked out on their end, though it wasn’t guaranteed it’ll be well long enough. But in my case it didn’t.
Well after all I always gave myself the opposite advice.
And should I vindicate that, I only know that still, I’m afraid. I am a coward. A big coward. I’m stuck in my past and I chose to be there. I chose to be there because in the past, albeit the pain and sufferings, I was happy. Not to mention temporarily happy. It was the lone thing that worked. She was the lone person who openly and genuinely returned my feelings, the lone person who made me feel requited.
I shouldn’t have included her case. But anyway, I figured that any kind of romantic relationship isn’t for me. I mean that commitment thing. What a joke.
And maybe I’m happier without a partner. With just, being this—just like this. Enjoying my own company and my friends. Being fruitful in different fields.
I’d shun anything that provokes feelings. God forbid I engage into any friendship with someone I’d end up liking.
I will never become a fool again.