You know how sometimes you feel like you’re gradually progressing and becoming better, only to be high-fived repeatedly by the harsh reality of life.
Hard work is not always rewarded.
I don’t know but sometimes, I feel like all these feelings of mediocrity can simply be attributed to the fact that I’m studying in UP. A lot would probably criticize me if I insisted that was the case but, you know… I used to have a greater self-esteem. I used to be really proud of myself. I was confident, I was brave. I was a perfectionist. Teachers remembered me, I always see my name on bulletin boards, I always went up on stage, I was always recognized for something. I thought I’ve been doing all too well already back then. I even slacked off in my senior year when I knew I passed the UPCAT.
When I stepped into college, the pangs of reality hit me — I was a small person all along. I was merely average. There was nothing alright about feeling like this, especially when you’re surrounded with people who are only on their way of becoming even greater than they already are. I’m trying my best here, I swear,
but this hard work seem to be not getting me anywhere.
I’m working so hard and failing miserably, while they seem to be exerting just as much effort as the next person does and they’re getting far higher than I am. I can’t help but feel like I’m moving only inch by inch. It feels like if they work even harder, they’re going to put an even larger gap between me and them. Can you fathom how frustrated I am with myself?
Half of me tells me I shouldn’t be feeling this way to begin with, because even if some people are born better, you can always work your ass off to pave your own way up there. While the other tells me I’m just a loser–plainly because I feel this way.
I don’t know, dammit. I just feel so small right now.
Am I getting anywhere?
I’m doing my best for chrissake. But most times either my plans come down to nothing, or worse, they wind up backfiring.
Comparison only leads to arrogance and envy. I’ve been feeling the latter way too much than I should.
Maybe I need a break.