You know, Rose has this disposition to place all the burden on herself when something unwanted or unpleasant happens to people. She does that a lot, and I think it’s an extremely distorted way of thinking (yeah, I’m one to talk).
She’s like that. She’s always like that. I’ve watched her panic and freak out a couple of times when something happens to someone and she has the littlest involvement in it. She likes, or at least, she has this habit of blaming herself and carrying all the load when there’s a problem. I couldn’t help but think she has this abnormal obsession with responsibility. When I informed her about deferring, she went out of her way to knock some sense into me. She pestered me nonstop, and it actually helped because it gave me security.
I know I should be happy about that. In fact, I was. I was. But due to my dysfunctional and elaborately fucked up way of thinking, I couldn’t be happy about it anymore. Perhaps it was during one of those times when I watched her blame herself because she couldn’t help Niccolo about his missing camera. I looked at her and felt sad. Not because I pitied her. Not because I think she’s burdened herself a little too much already. It was a selfish feeling –– I felt sad because I remembered she was like that to everyone else. She’s simply like that: selfless, compassionate, and a little too caring.
And I remembered how I am just a chunk of a larger chunk. A piece of a larger piece. A small fraction of a whole. A miniscule element of an entirety.
I remembered how insignificant I was, and what fragile existence I have.
Suddenly, I am indifferent again.
Suddenly, it hit me how ridiculously selfish, possessive, egotistic, and greedy I am.
Suddenly, I can’t feel anything again.