White abyss

A day unnoticed. Again. Every day passes unnoticed.

Sadness, unreasonable sadness. I am enveloped within a childish kind of sadness. I am weak, oversensitive, and hyperaware of everything. I crumble at every failure made. I curl up at every mistake committed. I always try to get myself back up by reminding me that happy people focus on what they have.

But the gap, the void, the space, the hollowness, they’re glaring at me yet again. I am okay. I am okay to an extent that can be called happy, but depression peeked over my shoulders feeling left out.

Why do I feel lost again
Why am I so obsessed with being sad

I always manage to get my life together and somehow, I always manage to flip it a day after. I am already contented. I am satisfied with how things are working out. It wasn’t perfect –-– there are many areas for improvement, but I no longer feel that bad about being like this.

I do not know how it’s called. How this is called.

An imagery. A garden where everything and everyone is elated. Colors everywhere; Humor ran around while Serenity rest content seated on the grasses, feeling the cool breeze. Happiness, of course, was the most prominent feeling in the garden. It radiated cheerfulness as bright as the sun. But, looking disquieted, he stood at a corner gazing at the direction where Sadness hid–––as if an older sibling concerned about the insecure and ignored little brother. And, as if stricken with guilt, he stepped out of the garden––-now leaving me seated at the center of this white abyss, across Sadness.

It skipped and hummed while it drew shadows, satisfied that he finally had the garden’s attention. The garden which he now bleached colorless. Both Humor and Serenity have gone out of sight–––but came Sarcasm and Emptiness to keep us company. Emptiness is peaceful like Serenity, he whispered, and that Sarcasm can replace Humor’s entertainment. It smiled, as if to assure me;

and though a faint one,

I responded likewise

with eyes cast down.

Thinking how disappointing it was

to have let it become selfish

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Backdoor

I’m running away again.
Running away again.
Running away again.
Running away again.

All I ever do is run
All I ever do is escape

I’m masking over my cowardice with arrogance

My fear of loneliness with sternness

My fear of happiness with coldness

I’m getting more and more pathetic each day

Look what it’s done to me

Experiencing happiness
Experiencing great company
Experiencing actual appreciation from people
Experiencing life outside my zone

It dulled me
It rendered me weak and vulnerable
I’ve become dependent on people
And now I’m barely standing on my feet

Barely familiar with the little world I used to live in

I’m becoming lonely again
It’s becoming bad again
My rationality’s becoming clouded
I’m choosing the wrong decisions again

I wanted the peaceful life
I wanted quiet
But my arrogant and aggressive personality
Will never give me that peace

I was fated to become a dictator hated by everyone
A dictator feared rather than loved
A dictator alone and lonely

Quietly, the darkness starts to envelop
Slowly, I retreated back to my shell

Here shall be safe
You’re alone but you’re safe
You’re lonely but you’re safe
No one will love you
But no one will hurt you either

Here is safe

Follow-through

I suck at relationships, really. Not specifically the romantic kind because I don’t even have first hand knowledge of it. I mean in a general sense. I suck.

I fucking suck.

Beside sucking at keeping in touch, I suck at being appreciative and expressing my sentiments in a way that does not come off too offensive. I have a sharp tongue. I kind of believed I had it toned down a bit but it’s as sharp as ever. I don’t know how to apologize properly, and I keep choosing my pride and ego over anything.

There are times, though, that I stepped on my pride to keep my friendship with someone but most of them ended up with me regretting doing it in the first place. I don’t know. I try for people but I just don’t seem to get any of it right.

I like rare and a lot of rare things and people that I stumbled upon ended up slipping away. It has to be my fault, isn’t it? And I know that opening up this kind of thing to people will only result to them reprimanding me and lecturing me, telling me the same thing almost everyone has told me, even myself–-–that I only stop at realizations and I don’t really attempt to change anything.

You know, reality is, you can have all this kind of realizations and still be unable to do anything about it. And what I fucking hate the most? Almost everyone I talk to makes it sound so simple. They speak as if knowing the right thing and doing just that is so fucking easy. NOPE. Knowing what’s right and doing it are two separate things. Not everyone easily learns the follow-through.

It makes me sick. When people start getting self-righteous, I have this urge to scream at them. But I resort to silence. I resort to walking away. Because it will get nowhere. I will get pissed and become irrational.

Maybe I’m really better off alone.

I’m probably better off alone.

But you weren’t there

Somehow when everything starts to crumble, there are always those who remain, those who stay whatever happens. That’s what I thought. That’s how I thought it (eventually) would be. Because that’s how it worked out for a lot of people, right?

But somehow, somewhat,

I ended up alone.

And I didn’t understand why. It didn’t make sense.

I was drowning. And everyone around me is breathing.

It was a silent, suffocating way to die.

No one reached a hand out. Everyone was there. But no one was there.

You understood me better than anyone.

You were the one person I thought would collect me up as I shatter into thousand fragments.

But you weren’t there.

You weren’t there for me.