Barricade

I tried to make you stay
Offering a love too late
Couldn’t find the words to say
Was driven away by hate

What do I have to do?
This is all I can be
Everyday I endure thinking of you
Wishing you endure waiting for me

I bade goodbye
When all I wanted was you to stay by my side
I asked you to forget
When what I wanted was otherwise

I hoped you stopped me
I needed you to make a step back
I told you ‘I love you’ twice
You must have taken them for lies

Can I come back?
Should I come back?
The questions constantly bubble up my head
I laugh achingly, knocking myself over

Because I knew the answer.

Be eternally happy
Smile always
Life is full of ups and downs
You can cope up, can’t you?

You’re the most beautiful when you smile
Better keep smiling, like Barney
Keep your head up
You’re a lot firmer now, aren’t you?

I am hoping that your memory of me
Someday, one day, comes in picturesque 
Someone who taught you a lesson about life
Not someone who you once loved or broke your heart

I am the happiest when you’re happy
The saddest when you cry
So be a lot the former
And avoid the latter

Could you do that? That’d be a last favor

Don’t worry, I won’t come back
With that, I can’t leave you again.

You and I got something but it’s all and then nothing to me

We were close, so close to ending this lunacy. But you gave up, why did you? And I gave in, why did I?

This story has been running for an unusual number of years, years I dare not specify. We’ve been running and hiding from what appears to be the truth, in hopes that we could escape the dreaded. But we were running towards the dreaded, didn’t you realize? All this time, we thought this insanity was doing us a favor.

Do you see what it did to us? Do you see what it caused us?

It tore us apart.

You’re loathing me, and I could only lament how you embraced the conviction that this is how it’s bound to happen.

I continued living, believing I was as scarred, completely and deeply, as you. I was desolate and hopeless. You were everything that I breathe, and you stopped living that purpose. I waited for a long time to get to you, only to be repeatedly crushed by the walls around you.

You were my purpose, and then my hope, and then the only thing that kept me alive.
You were something, someone, and then nothing and no one.

You were all and then nothing to me.

I thought I’ve finally broken free.

But seeing you like that resurrects the pain and the guilt.
But seeing you like that crushes me.

Because I know I did this. I did this to us. I did that to you.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

On different sides

Pathetic, isnt it?

When the thing was once within reach and you just stared at it; and now that it is gone, you feel miserable letting it pass you.

I like the thought of it. You. Suffering. Seeing your own demons.

That’s what happened to me. That’s what happened to me in those past years. And what did you do? You added to the suffering. You kept adding and adding to suffice your unending pleasure seeing me in this agony.

I apologized. I accepted the consequences. I tried to redeem myself. I did everything. I basically did every stupid thing possible to gain your forgiveness—and indirectly, not to mention, if a chance exists, to win you back.

But in those years, all you did was drive me away. All you did was do every ill thing there is to hurt me. All you did was make me suffer.

You were engrossed with the thought that you were hurting, refusing to see that I was in deep agony and grief as well. All you see was the turbulence, the chaos, the violence of what I have seemingly caused the day when I left you. All you see was everything I was after the wrong things occurred.

They all happened in your head, and I was seeing them too. I saw them when you tried to kill my affection with your words.

I cried and suffered. Days and nights. Months unable to date. Years I could almost count.

I got up and tried to find you. I clung tight to the notion that this isn’t how it should end. Because it doesn’t have to end to begin with.

But one day came. I thought I found you.

No, it can’t be you.

That person wasn’t whom I wanted. That person wasn’t whom I longed for all this time. That person wasn’t whom I loved. That person wasn’t you. No, it can’t be you.

Because in my eyes, that person looked like my demons.

I stared at that person with apprehension, with an escalating sense of premonition stemming from the unknown. And later without forethought, tears came running down my cheeks.

You should have seen that person in my eyes.

And from that moment I gathered, you’re gone. I reckoned I’ve completely lost you.

Now, you plead for understanding and consideration? This isn’t how this game is played. This wasn’t a fairy tale, this wasn’t a movie. Nobody knows anything, especially you and me.

No one would come back. No one would have the faith to understand. No one believes in destiny, and no one dares a move to get at anything.

This is an impasse. We are in an impasse.

And we couldn’t get out here together. We individually make the choices. Either we move somewhere from here and ahead, separately, or stagnate advancement.

We’ll have to go our separate ways, just what happens in reality.