‘How do you pass the days?’

Days had long hours. But time seems to slow down even more at night. That, or everyday was simply agonizing to go through.

It gets better then it gets bad. This dynamic has all been too familiar with me I don’t know how else I’m going to put this bullshit into words.

Every day every night I chant the same thing to the heavens—that I don’t want to be here anymore, that I want to be brought home. Adjusting into a life where I have to communicate through social media to keep in touch still doesn’t sit well with me, because I’m not that type of person. But where do I go? I can’t even go out of this shithole because I don’t know places. I don’t know where to go. There simply is no one I could run to. And I’m deteriorating here, day by day.

The other day, I was chatting with Nigel about how I’ve been doing here. He asked me about my relationship with my siblings, hoping that it’s becoming better. That I should give them a chance, because they might surprise me.

I told him that I don’t know to be honest. I’m currently in a state of paralysis. I was at a crossroads, and I didn’t want to do anything, because if I make a decision I’m going to have to commit to that choice. I was left to choose between

  • being myself and being hated—continuously damaging my relationship with my family with my unorthodox views and approach in life, risking an unhappy death where I died a misfit, which has always been the case all my life; and
  • forcing myself to change, preferably into someone void of my own set of principles, someone who simply sought to fit in, stripping that persona off the real me, fabricating a self in an attempt to be loved and accepted

I was scrolling through twitter one time and read a quote that hit the nail right on the head:

“Wasn’t that the definition of home? Not where you are from, but where you are wanted.” — Abraham Verghese

It was the quote I’ve been looking for all my life; perfectly crafted to word how most people feel around their family. Home is not necessarily family; it’s where you are wanted. And sometimes, friends are home.

I continued to tell Nigel that sometimes, I’m disgusted with their existence. But I realized it’s probably just because I hated myself. I couldn’t reconcile it; all I know is that the more I hate them, the more I realize how much I actually hate myself. Sometimes I avoid ruminating on the thought because it only pushes me to self-harm.

I continued to tell him that perhaps I was only saying that due to the spur of the moment, because I was in the middle of arguing with them then. I was exchanging accusations with the eldest, who kept positing that I was a rude and disrespectful piece of shit. When it began heating up, all of them started shooting right at me, in front of our stepdad. Haha, I was the villain again, huh? I’m the derogatory one; the bad person, the bitch, the problem child, the sibling they wish they didn’t have. The skies know, I know, that it was the opposite. It was the FUCKING OPPOSITE. But the universe was never on my side. It liked to twist the reality around to everyone else’s eyes, and I wouldn’t bother correct that because of my pride.

Because what good will my truth do to everyone anyway, if my family, the people who are supposedly closest to me, holds a completely conflicting version of it?

I fantasized about burning them again. It was always like that; when I can’t resolve what to do, I start to think that either they should die, or I’ll kill myself. There were times when I felt it was more rational for them to die because I had a lot ahead of me and they don’t. See how fucked up? This is exactly the reason

why

I

hate

myself.

Being around them only makes me hate myself further. And every fucking time I attempt to change they give me reasons not to.

I messaged mom that night and told her:

I never hid the fact that I’m like this, you already know that. I know I had horns, and I’ve long accepted that I’m a ‘freak’ and it still doesn’t sit well with you guys. Don’t worry, once I started making enough money, I’ll move out. I know I’m difficult to get along with. I know how repugnant my attitude is. But I can’t help it. I’m trying to change but when I’m around them I just lose the motivation.

I know I can no longer change this about me. That’s why I want to just keep a distance. Our relationship evened when I left home. But when I graduated and went back, things went back to square one.

I’m better off alone, I don’t belong here. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing.
I’m just structured that way. I’m cruel to the people I love the most. And there is no way I can make them understand that. And I don’t want the burden of making them understand. Just leave me alone, and I’ll leave them alone.

If it’s fine with you, just get me a bed space somewhere. You’ll never be peaceful as long as I’m around. So just send me elsewhere. I’ve accepted my fate. I’m meant to be alone. And I prefer being with friends than with family. Family is not home. Home is where you are wanted.

This is not home
Friends are home

I’ve anticipated her replies though. I know she’ll try to ‘knock some sense into me’ but I’ve long thought about these things. Goes a long way back. I know I had issues, and I can’t manage them when I’m around the sources. Mom insisted that she sees herself in me, but she probably just wanted to assure me that she understands. I will only hurt you mom, so enough. I know myself better than anyone. I know my capacities. I know what I’m capable of doing. My observant trait and my obsession with dissecting people gave me the ability to identify their weak points, allowing me to destroy them at will. I don’t want to have to do that. When I’m blinded by anger and pain, I might do just that. I destroy people when I’m pushed. And I will not apologize even if I didn’t mean it.

I’m spending more days being unhappy, which wasn’t part of the plan. Happy people focus on what they have.

Where did the days go by?

What have I been doing with my life?

I constantly swam in pools of hatred, sarcasm, apathy, self-loathe, and everything self-destructive. Constantly fantasizing of burning everyone that gets in my way. Constantly wishing I could die without having to do anything.

You’re way past the deadline, Lord. I’ve been asking to die for God knows how long.

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The fault in (my) words

My life lately basically moved in between sleeping, eating, reading, and watching animes. Not that I have a problem with it, but it sure does require some getting re-used to. My senior life in college was practically the opposite of that—I couldn’t stay put in a room, a quiet one at that, and I constantly seek to hang out with my friends and orgmates, or with anyone for that matter.

I’ve become dependent on the company of people, haven’t I?

Well, it seemed like it. Funnily enough, no one believes me anymore whenever I claim to be introverted. Almost everyone thought otherwise. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s a bad thing. Maybe both. Why am I confining the thing in the first place?

But for a moment, I wondered if it was actually the case now. I began hanging out with people I barely knew. I began craving new faces, new voices, new people in my life. The small circle I used to bind myself in began expanding—but, it was a change I’ve acknowledged and realized a long time ago. For some reason the fact overwhelms me again. A matter of restrospection, could it be? It’s only from a restrospective view of things do we realize the full weight of the changes that occurred in and to us, and in everything and everyone around us, after all.

But, I couldn’t distinguish the me now from who I’ve always thought I was. Is this the person I have always been? Or the person I always wanted to be and have finally become?

Did I lose myself, or simply found it?

And yet I wonder if the answer to those even mattered.

I wonder if this thought engagement should be taken as a positive thing, because I only write when I’m lonely. I never learned how to write about happy things, because majority of the words in my vocabulary are associated either with sadness or hatred.

Initially, I wanted to write about Sarah.
I wanted to write about how she doesn’t understand how important she’s become to me, and I will never mean to hurt her.

But I was never good at appreciating people and things.
Or at least, I was never good at expressing appreciation.

I don’t know the right way to keep people, the right way to keep friends, the right way to keep people I hold dear.

Because I always end up destroying everything I love.

You’ve grown on me. I’ve become severely attached to you. You’ve become too important. I was convinced I wasn’t born like everyone who were born in pairs, who needed to find the other pair to be complete, but you came. You came and I thought maybe I needed something, something like ‘the other half’. But these are things I don’t casually tell people, not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t know how. I was straightforward, but I’m not good with words; I had a knack for confrontations and debates, but I don’t know how to communicate appreciation and gratefulness. I can only communicate sadness.

I don’t know how to properly patch things up without making it worse, without saying things that will only fuel the fire.

How do you make someone understand something you don’t understand yourself?

How do you evade the fallacy and ridicule that comes along with justifying a supposedly wrongdoing?

Is there a better way to put it? A better way to make it understandable and comprehensible?

That the people we loved the most are the ones we were most cruel to?
It doesn’t need logic, does it?

I’m sad.
I’m lost.

I’ve been self-destructing and self-loathing since that day and I’m beginning to lose my mind. I began hating social media. I immersed myself into other things, anime mostly, to steer my thoughts away.

And little by little, I’m beginning to seal the void I thought you were made to fill in.

Little by little, I’m starting to get re-used to this.

Feeling like this.

Feeling nothing.

A feeling long forgotten, trapped in a memory

Note: The names are changed. (Still undone)

Last night, when Sarah and I were reflecting about our lives, a realization hit me.

It was 2am. We were talking about a lot of things. We were pondering on every stupid thing we did and were about to do, when we started discussing the consequences of confessions.

Yep, confessions.

She had planned to confess to Peter the following week. Her feelings have become toxic to her. She overthinks and overanalyzes everything nonstop, and it’s becoming destructive. She never tires of creating conclusions based on far-fetched assumptions and incomplete information, despite realizing it’s to her own detriment. She needed answers. And she bothers Beth and I a lot. Way, way, lot.

But the thing is, what we have were merely conjectures like her own. We don’t know Peter the way she does. And Peter alone has the answers she’s looking for. Does he feel the same? He probably has a clue, right? Why is he awkward? Why did he ignore me that day? He thinks I’m being stupid, right? Maybe he doesn’t even care? But why won’t he talk to me? God, you go add to the sequence. It’s the same stupid questions you’ve probably thought of or came across yourself. I’m guessing it’s driving her insane because her feelings felt too foreign, and it’s overwhelming her.

Beth and I advised her to confess already because that’s the only step she has to move forward. Her world has stopped. She couldn’t study, she couldn’t do anything because he fills up her mind. (Oh, how familiar. Overly at that) She would argue that it’s too early, that she’s not even sure about how she feels yet, and Peter might think she’s ridiculous. Trust me. There’s no talking her out of this. It’s gotten exhausting, actually. Calming and consoling her can get pretty tiring. We always had to rationalize things for her, as if everything always has to make sense. Every tiny detail about that night when she developed feelings for him, I got completely covered. We’ve basically dissected every word uttered and every movement made then. I can seriously write a novel about that one night, basically a shit ton of overanalysis of gestures and semantics, and details distorted due to heavy overthinking. I don’t even know why I carry this burden. Humans call this friendship.

Anyway, while on our beds, we were contemplating about the implications of whatever response he’d give her. The other day, she told me that Peter might accept her feelings thinking that she’d be a “waste”. She’s got a point—of course, under the assumption that Peter never got a confession before. After a couple more exchanges, I concluded that whether he returns her feelings or not, she’s damned either way. She’s still going to dissect whichever response he gives her. Although she could be right about the ‘waste’ part.

Because it’s how it is for most people, right?

When you find out someone out there sees you the same way you see someone you like, it makes us happy. It is elating and fulfilling. You’d think you were doing something right. You were doing something beautiful. It makes us even more happy when that person gathers up the courage to confess, because not everyone has the guts to do that.

But sometimes, how we respond to those feelings can render us selfish. We liked it. We liked the thought of someone being invested in us. We liked the thought of being important, of being the center of someone’s universe. Some of them even put us on a pedestal. And sometimes, though indirectly, or unintentionally, we end up giving them false hopes. We make them wait. We take advantage of their vulnerability.

They are left hanging, suspended on the unknown—just so we don’t lose them. We knew it was selfish. We knew. But we don’t want to lose them.

Or more accurately, we don’t want to lose the beauty, the importance, or the wonderful things they attribute to us. We don’t want to lose that feeling of being special. It’s understandable.

We circled around that topic when my confession to George crossed my mind. To be honest, I have moved on and forward — suffice it to say that since that day, I have become better. But I’m not happy for him. In fact, sometimes I want him to regret not choosing me. All that for my ego, though. It’s not because I still have emotional investments.

And then I realized that whenever I think of him, or talk about him, all I remember was everything he was after the bad things occurred. That night, it dawned me that after the confession, I barely remembered the reasons why I liked him. I barely remembered the good things about him, or the memorable things he did and we did together.

Like how, randomly, he would text me just to tell me that the moon that night is stunningly beautiful. He knew how much I loved the moon. He knew how much invested I was in the stars.

Or when he was dismissed in class and instead of going straight to the tambayan, he would sit with me on the bridge strangely carrying a washtub. He would pester me, and I’d be just happy talking to him.

Or when he’d withdraw and ask me to tag along, and then we’ll walk around the oval debating on the philosophy of confessing. Little things. We talked about life a lot. We talked about a lot of things. We talked about everything, and it felt like a lifetime would not be enough to talk about the things we could. You do not meet a lot of people who you could naturally and intellectually share your sentiments about the world with. Just like what Celine said in Before Sunset, when we’re young we think we’d connect with many people—later in life we’d realize it only happens a few times.

And we could ruin it, you know. Misconnect. 

I guess he was someone I really connected with. And misconnected.

 

I forgot.

I forgot how and what I actually felt for him after the confession.

Now, my feelings are raining on me.

Now, it dawned on me that I actually, immensely, profoundly, really liked him. For everything he was. For everything he had been.

But everything he did and everything he was after the confession blindsided me into thinking that he was simply a puzzle I preoccupied myself with because I was bored. That I did not like him—I was bored, I was just bored. And that I mistakenly—or subconsciously—chose to de-bore myself with a mere douche, a conceited jerk who’s completely naive of his own egotism and narcissism.

He was a douche.
But he was a douche along other things.

He was the person I liked, the person I admired, the person who made me happy. He was the person who once made every waking moment meaningful.

And the same was with everyone I decided to remove in my life. They were toxic along other things.

That night, I slept with tears wetting my pillow.
I slept wondering what it is that I have forgotten, what it is that memory has resurrected.

It was a feeling long forgotten, trapped in a memory buried deep in my insides, imprisoned, meant to be locked up for goodness knows how long.

Whatever it is, however, the fact remains that George is just a memory now, a small memory now relegated to the past. And it shall stay there.

Asunder

How do you put your dripping tears down into words?
How do you sing a melody without lyrics?

How do you type the bloody nothingness streaming out of your guts?

How?

How?

How do you describe a pain that’s undescribable? That is unspeakable? That leaves you gasping for air? That tears you asunder and leaves you crumbling back into an abyssal limbo?

I don’t know, but I just did that, didn’t I?

I don’t even know what I’m typing
What I’m writing
What I’m thinking

The only thing reverberating in my head now is that I want to escape my mind

My mind is crumbling

Help me

Help