White abyss

A day unnoticed. Again. Every day passes unnoticed.

Sadness, unreasonable sadness. I am enveloped within a childish kind of sadness. I am weak, oversensitive, and hyperaware of everything. I crumble at every failure made. I curl up at every mistake committed. I always try to get myself back up by reminding me that happy people focus on what they have.

But the gap, the void, the space, the hollowness, they’re glaring at me yet again. I am okay. I am okay to an extent that can be called happy, but depression peeked over my shoulders feeling left out.

Why do I feel lost again
Why am I so obsessed with being sad

I always manage to get my life together and somehow, I always manage to flip it a day after. I am already contented. I am satisfied with how things are working out. It wasn’t perfect –-– there are many areas for improvement, but I no longer feel that bad about being like this.

I do not know how it’s called. How this is called.

An imagery. A garden where everything and everyone is elated. Colors everywhere; Humor ran around while Serenity rest content seated on the grasses, feeling the cool breeze. Happiness, of course, was the most prominent feeling in the garden. It radiated cheerfulness as bright as the sun. But, looking disquieted, he stood at a corner gazing at the direction where Sadness hid–––as if an older sibling concerned about the insecure and ignored little brother. And, as if stricken with guilt, he stepped out of the garden––-now leaving me seated at the center of this white abyss, across Sadness.

It skipped and hummed while it drew shadows, satisfied that he finally had the garden’s attention. The garden which he now bleached colorless. Both Humor and Serenity have gone out of sight–––but came Sarcasm and Emptiness to keep us company. Emptiness is peaceful like Serenity, he whispered, and that Sarcasm can replace Humor’s entertainment. It smiled, as if to assure me;

and though a faint one,

I responded likewise

with eyes cast down.

Thinking how disappointing it was

to have let it become selfish

Like air

I lost something.
A very important part of me.
The worst part is that I probably never had it.

He came into my life a cool breeze
Everyone knows that you can’t catch air
— but I’m a fool and I tried.
And just when I thought I had him,
he slipped right through my fingers — just like air.

When I close my eyes
I can feel his arms wrapped around me,
grabbing my hand and pointing at Orion.
I can feel his breath on my neck,
his body stilling my cold shivers.

I replay that moment every time I blink.

I heard him whisper to open my heart;
I felt him open his.
And for the first time in a long time,
I felt safe.

Every fear that I had,
Every insecurity vanished
when he told me he loved me.

So soft. So low. So gentle. So real.

The moment magnified
I could hear the fish swim in the river below
I could see the fragment of glass on the moon
And everything went silent.

So quiet that you could hear my breathless response.

I wanted to cry
I wanted to scream at the moon and blame God for all these.
But then like air – it disappeared.

His breathing got heavy
I saw flickers in his eyes
And within a matter of seconds,
My world came crashing down.

His confessions cut me like shrapnel.
And even though his thoughts hadn’t become actions
I couldn’t help but feel like I had lost him.

It hurt so bad. So bad.
He turned the tables on me with his delicate slyness;
made me feel as though I had committed the ultimate crime.
And what did I do? I let him.

He made my eyes melt,
my ears bleed,
my heart ache.
And just like a cool sudden breeze — he was gone.

He removed a pebble from my foundation
Collapsed the greatest pyramid in Egypt
And after the dust cleared,
and the air had returned to it’s resting stage
I was left alone in ruins.

Like air

I was gone

I am all I see

You know, Rose has this disposition to place all the burden on herself when something unwanted or unpleasant happens to people. She does that a lot, and I think it’s an extremely distorted way of thinking (yeah, I’m one to talk).

She’s like that. She’s always like that. I’ve watched her panic and freak out a couple of times when something happens to someone and she has the littlest involvement in it. She likes, or at least, she has this habit of blaming herself and carrying all the load when there’s a problem. I couldn’t help but think she has this abnormal obsession with responsibility. When I informed her about deferring, she went out of her way to knock some sense into me. She pestered me nonstop, and it actually helped because it gave me security.

I know I should be happy about that. In fact, I was. I was. But due to my dysfunctional and elaborately fucked up way of thinking, I couldn’t be happy about it anymore. Perhaps it was during one of those times when I watched her blame herself because she couldn’t help Niccolo about his missing camera. I looked at her and felt sad. Not because I pitied her. Not because I think she’s burdened herself a little too much already. It was a selfish feeling –– I felt sad because I remembered she was like that to everyone else. She’s simply like that: selfless, compassionate, and a little too caring.

And I remembered how I am just a chunk of a larger chunk. A piece of a larger piece. A small fraction of a whole. A miniscule element of an entirety.

I remembered how insignificant I was, and what fragile existence I have.

Suddenly, I am indifferent again.
Suddenly, it hit me how ridiculously selfish, possessive, egotistic, and greedy I am.

Suddenly, I can’t feel anything again.