Grey in the rainbow

Indifference is a scary thing.

It fucks you up on the inside out, and without a clue, it starts taking everything away from you.

I was grateful about being indifferent to what others have to say about me. It was some kind of freedom, something I’ve always wished I could be. But I didn’t think it’s going to extend its effects to other things.

I’m becoming indifferent to my studies, my grades, and sometimes even to my friends. I am breathing and existing, but I’m not sure those words were synonymous to living. I go on with life with not much of anything getting done, and I stop halfway with realizations alone.

I don’t know. I’m an inch away from getting totally disinterested about everything. The results of the elections do not bother me at all. I don’t have strong emotions for or against anyone. I watch everyone get worked up about their lives, and I rest content with the normality of my breathing pattern, or the rate with which my heart beat.

I didn’t care about anything, but I guess I was believable enough to make everyone think I give a shit. I’m lifelessly walking a crowded road of colorful people, a colorful sea of humans laughing, grieving, and protesting. I was grey, and they were full of colors. Full of emotions. I watched them callously, wondered about the hollowness expanding within me, and walked away. That’s what I do. At least that’s what I’ve been doing the moment I realized I could simply walk away from all these. I was tired of humans. I was tired of getting angry. Of being happy. Of ricocheting between being happy and pretending to be. I was tired of my sadness, tired of distinguishing which is real and isn’t. I was tired of the crazy dynamic life had. I was tired, period.

I always thought I was brave, not fearless. There was a difference.

But now I’m beginning to think I am the latter. I couldn’t feel anything. Not sadness. Not happiness. Not fear. I don’t have the kind of will I thought I used to have, suppose that I did have it.

This stupid self-analysis is starting to exhaust me as well.

I’m tired.

I’m tired.