When you’re empty
And someone fills you up
And then leaves

You realize that there was something
emptier than empty

That you’re capable of feeling
hollower than hollow

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Grey in the rainbow

Indifference is a scary thing.

It fucks you up on the inside out, and without a clue, it starts taking everything away from you.

I was grateful about being indifferent to what others have to say about me. It was some kind of freedom, something I’ve always wished I could be. But I didn’t think it’s going to extend its effects to other things.

I’m becoming indifferent to my studies, my grades, and sometimes even to my friends. I am breathing and existing, but I’m not sure those words were synonymous to living. I go on with life with not much of anything getting done, and I stop halfway with realizations alone.

I don’t know. I’m an inch away from getting totally disinterested about everything. The results of the elections do not bother me at all. I don’t have strong emotions for or against anyone. I watch everyone get worked up about their lives, and I rest content with the normality of my breathing pattern, or the rate with which my heart beat.

I didn’t care about anything, but I guess I was believable enough to make everyone think I give a shit. I’m lifelessly walking a crowded road of colorful people, a colorful sea of humans laughing, grieving, and protesting. I was grey, and they were full of colors. Full of emotions. I watched them callously, wondered about the hollowness expanding within me, and walked away. That’s what I do. At least that’s what I’ve been doing the moment I realized I could simply walk away from all these. I was tired of humans. I was tired of getting angry. Of being happy. Of ricocheting between being happy and pretending to be. I was tired of my sadness, tired of distinguishing which is real and isn’t. I was tired of the crazy dynamic life had. I was tired, period.

I always thought I was brave, not fearless. There was a difference.

But now I’m beginning to think I am the latter. I couldn’t feel anything. Not sadness. Not happiness. Not fear. I don’t have the kind of will I thought I used to have, suppose that I did have it.

This stupid self-analysis is starting to exhaust me as well.

I’m tired.

I’m tired.

But you weren’t there

Somehow when everything starts to crumble, there are always those who remain, those who stay whatever happens. That’s what I thought. That’s how I thought it (eventually) would be. Because that’s how it worked out for a lot of people, right?

But somehow, somewhat,

I ended up alone.

And I didn’t understand why. It didn’t make sense.

I was drowning. And everyone around me is breathing.

It was a silent, suffocating way to die.

No one reached a hand out. Everyone was there. But no one was there.

You understood me better than anyone.

You were the one person I thought would collect me up as I shatter into thousand fragments.

But you weren’t there.

You weren’t there for me.

Like air

I lost something.
A very important part of me.
The worst part is that I probably never had it.

He came into my life a cool breeze
Everyone knows that you can’t catch air
— but I’m a fool and I tried.
And just when I thought I had him,
he slipped right through my fingers — just like air.

When I close my eyes
I can feel his arms wrapped around me,
grabbing my hand and pointing at Orion.
I can feel his breath on my neck,
his body stilling my cold shivers.

I replay that moment every time I blink.

I heard him whisper to open my heart;
I felt him open his.
And for the first time in a long time,
I felt safe.

Every fear that I had,
Every insecurity vanished
when he told me he loved me.

So soft. So low. So gentle. So real.

The moment magnified
I could hear the fish swim in the river below
I could see the fragment of glass on the moon
And everything went silent.

So quiet that you could hear my breathless response.

I wanted to cry
I wanted to scream at the moon and blame God for all these.
But then like air – it disappeared.

His breathing got heavy
I saw flickers in his eyes
And within a matter of seconds,
My world came crashing down.

His confessions cut me like shrapnel.
And even though his thoughts hadn’t become actions
I couldn’t help but feel like I had lost him.

It hurt so bad. So bad.
He turned the tables on me with his delicate slyness;
made me feel as though I had committed the ultimate crime.
And what did I do? I let him.

He made my eyes melt,
my ears bleed,
my heart ache.
And just like a cool sudden breeze — he was gone.

He removed a pebble from my foundation
Collapsed the greatest pyramid in Egypt
And after the dust cleared,
and the air had returned to it’s resting stage
I was left alone in ruins.

Like air

I was gone