The fault in (my) words

My life lately basically moved in between sleeping, eating, reading, and watching animes. Not that I have a problem with it, but it sure does require some getting re-used to. My senior life in college was practically the opposite of that—I couldn’t stay put in a room, a quiet one at that, and I constantly seek to hang out with my friends and orgmates, or with anyone for that matter.

I’ve become dependent on the company of people, haven’t I?

Well, it seemed like it. Funnily enough, no one believes me anymore whenever I claim to be introverted. Almost everyone thought otherwise. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s a bad thing. Maybe both. Why am I confining the thing in the first place?

But for a moment, I wondered if it was actually the case now. I began hanging out with people I barely knew. I began craving new faces, new voices, new people in my life. The small circle I used to bind myself in began expanding—but, it was a change I’ve acknowledged and realized a long time ago. For some reason the fact overwhelms me again. A matter of restrospection, could it be? It’s only from a restrospective view of things do we realize the full weight of the changes that occurred in and to us, and in everything and everyone around us, after all.

But, I couldn’t distinguish the me now from who I’ve always thought I was. Is this the person I have always been? Or the person I always wanted to be and have finally become?

Did I lose myself, or simply found it?

And yet I wonder if the answer to those even mattered.

I wonder if this thought engagement should be taken as a positive thing, because I only write when I’m lonely. I never learned how to write about happy things, because majority of the words in my vocabulary are associated either with sadness or hatred.

Initially, I wanted to write about Sarah.
I wanted to write about how she doesn’t understand how important she’s become to me, and I will never mean to hurt her.

But I was never good at appreciating people and things.
Or at least, I was never good at expressing appreciation.

I don’t know the right way to keep people, the right way to keep friends, the right way to keep people I hold dear.

Because I always end up destroying everything I love.

You’ve grown on me. I’ve become severely attached to you. You’ve become too important. I was convinced I wasn’t born like everyone who were born in pairs, who needed to find the other pair to be complete, but you came. You came and I thought maybe I needed something, something like ‘the other half’. But these are things I don’t casually tell people, not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t know how. I was straightforward, but I’m not good with words; I had a knack for confrontations and debates, but I don’t know how to communicate appreciation and gratefulness. I can only communicate sadness.

I don’t know how to properly patch things up without making it worse, without saying things that will only fuel the fire.

How do you make someone understand something you don’t understand yourself?

How do you evade the fallacy and ridicule that comes along with justifying a supposedly wrongdoing?

Is there a better way to put it? A better way to make it understandable and comprehensible?

That the people we loved the most are the ones we were most cruel to?
It doesn’t need logic, does it?

I’m sad.
I’m lost.

I’ve been self-destructing and self-loathing since that day and I’m beginning to lose my mind. I began hating social media. I immersed myself into other things, anime mostly, to steer my thoughts away.

And little by little, I’m beginning to seal the void I thought you were made to fill in.

Little by little, I’m starting to get re-used to this.

Feeling like this.

Feeling nothing.

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Asunder

How do you put your dripping tears down into words?
How do you sing a melody without lyrics?

How do you type the bloody nothingness streaming out of your guts?

How?

How?

How do you describe a pain that’s undescribable? That is unspeakable? That leaves you gasping for air? That tears you asunder and leaves you crumbling back into an abyssal limbo?

I don’t know, but I just did that, didn’t I?

I don’t even know what I’m typing
What I’m writing
What I’m thinking

The only thing reverberating in my head now is that I want to escape my mind

My mind is crumbling

Help me

Help

Fatal

Everyone thinks I’m happy, but I’m dying.

It’s bad. It’s getting bad again.

I’m getting really, really, really, bad again.

My thoughts are killing me. Every time I arrive back to my place, all I do is sleep because that’s the only time I don’t overthink things. I am stressed, restless—not entirely because of the load of things I have to do, but because each passing day I could feel me losing and subconsciously destroying pieces of myself. I’m becoming more hollow and empty. I don’t know what’s happening inside me anymore. My soul is disintegrating, I’m shattering into fragments.

I want everything to pause. Or stop. Because the world inside me is crashing down. Does no one hear it? Does no one see it? Everything inside me has gone berserk and I’m screaming and crying and dying, but nobody sees me. Nobody hears me. Most times I don’t want to wake up anymore because whenever I do, the only thing I do is cry, and marvel at the realization of my own trifling existence in the entirety of this whole wide world.

And I’m afraid to tell people how bad this has become because I know there is nothing they can do about it. I’m only going to burden them because I know there is no proper response to this. I don’t want to be a burden. I am not a burden.

But I am dying. I’m dying. I’m dying.

Everyone thinks I’m happy but I’m dying

But I felt okay, because I felt nothing

Note: This has been resting in my drafts for the longest time. I don’t feel the same way anymore, but I want to throw this out in the open. The names are changed. 

May 16, 2015. I haven’t eaten anything today, except a softdrink and a pasta when I was walking around the mall, waiting for my new eyeglasses.

I feel so hollow. Empty. I was a blank, a void, a nothing. The world had robbed me of all the emotions I had associated with happiness. I only know of pain. Yet I’m so numb. I’m so numb.

Yesterday, May 15 2015, I confessed to him. That was the first confession I ever did in my whole life. And that was the first time I cried in someone’s presence. The first time I bared myself naked to someone. The first time I let someone in the darkest part of my being.

It was a long story. I don’t know how to go into details. It hurts. All I know is that it hurts it’s making me numb. It hurts so much it’s making me numb.

He did not reject me. He said he liked me back. But it was too late.

I was too late.

There is someone else already.

I don’t exactly know how to feel about it because throughout that bloody confession, he made it seem like he wants me to hold on.

I was trying to run away after confessing. I was shaking then. His back faced my back. And I made him promise not to look at me. I told him I had to leave. That he can make me leave. That he doesn’t have to say or do anything. That I’d be fine. That I’m shaking. I’m really shaking. But he refused to let me go. He pulled me back, saying I had to stay. That he had a lot to say. That I have a lot to know. That there is so much I don’t know. He asked me when did it start. When did I start having feelings for him. He apologized for asking. I said it was when he invited me for coffee. He was talking but I interrupted. I said I know it’s stupid because he liked Georgia then. I said it was a difficult evening for me then because he chose to tell me he liked Georgia on a supposedly romantic day for me. He said he remembers it. That he remembers that evening vividly.

“But you were suppose to call her instead. You even had to justify why you had called me. And you know what? That made me feel like shit.”

“But I called you. You’re the first person I called. You’re the one I called.”

What’s the point, I asked him. I said it’s pointless to talk about it now. He asked me if I noticed something new about him. I mentioned Julie. He did not deny it. He asked me if I was in the Redtape, and he began telling me how it all started between them. I didn’t know why he was telling me about it. He said he liked me. He persistently asked me if I believe him. I said I don’t know. I asked him what’s the point. I told him it’s pointless. That it doesn’t matter because he’s with Julie now. Then I asked him, “Was I too late? I was late, huh?”, my voice shaking. But then he went on with the story about Julie. I was palpitating. He started referring to her namelessly. I couldn’t breathe. Tears dripped down my cheeks as he went deeper. All I could hear and see in my head then is the glaring fact that it was too late. That I wasn’t aggressive enough. That I wasn’t touchy enough. That I wasn’t showy enough. He said we didn’t see each other for too long for some time, when Julie got into the picture. He said she was touchy. And he became touchy with her too. He said they’ve done things already, things that would change how people perceive him. I asked him to stop. I told him he doesn’t have to say it if it’s hurtful. I pleaded him to let me go. I tried to run. He pulled me again. I don’t know if his back remained unturned, but I began sobbing with my back facing him. He went into more details and I felt numb. I was getting numb. He asked me again if I believe him. I said I don’t know. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. Then he said it again.

“I like you”.

He said that I was so weird and he liked it. That my unpredictability was what he found so attractive about me. I asked him to stop. He was giving me false hopes. I cried. I started crying. He asked me not to. I apologized. I apologized and apologized. I cried, cried, cried, and cried. And then I stopped. He went on. He said he saw this confession coming when I texted him that afternoon. He said he felt it when I asked him to close his eyes. A long silence ensued. I asked him if he was scared then. He said yes, because he was unprepared. That I was unfair, because I prepared for it. He cyclically elaborated about us. About what he doesn’t want to happen to us. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I switched to douchebag mode. I was normal again. I was talking to him casually like nothing mattered anymore. I was laughing. I was scoffing at his points. We started talking about philosophy, about freewill, and the usual things. It was a long conversation.

But I felt okay. Because I felt nothing.

He kept reiterating that the thing between him and Julie was trivial and superficial. That he liked me too. That he thought it’s a waste what could have been between us. I asked him to stop because it’s pointless.

He kept giving me false hopes throughout the conversation. He made it seem like he wants me to hold on.

And I don’t know. I don’t know.

Our orgmates were looking for him then. It was about 6:15pm. I asked him to leave, and swore I’d be fine. I told him he can’t do anything about how I feel, and he’s now relegated to my dark past. I was playfully mocking him. But then he asked me if he could hug me. I laughed and scoffed. I said whatever. I told him he still couldn’t look at me or see me. That he has to go where I would not see him. But he stood up and stood in front of me. I hid my face behind my palms. I told him he’s being unfair. But he remained in front of me. I moved my hands away from my face and looked away. The wind blew, the sun beaming on my swelling eyes. I told him he has nothing to worry about, that I’m not as weak as he thinks. He sat beside me. He insisted he doesn’t want to leave me that way. I said he can’t do anything about it. That he’s just guilty. I just got rejected. I need a time alone to let it sink it. He countered, repeating it’s not rejection, but conceded if I insist to put it that way. It was the nth time we had a long silence. He hugged me tight from the side. I remained unmoved, tensed and unfeeling. Then he left.

I looked at his back as he walked away. I looked at the sky, and as soon as he was out of sight, I broke down into tears.

——
This is extremely summarized. I can’t go into details. It was too long, too vague, and too hurtful.

But the point is, we can’t be together. And I’m choosing to move on.

But he left me with false hopes.
He left me with fucking false hopes.

By then, I hope

Prompt: Maine’s latest blog post entitled “Blues”

Even if you’re happy now… at one point the bad things will hit you up again.

The wheel would start spinning, and you’ll have to deal with the same crap you’ve been through over and over. It’s a cycle, it has been distastefully familiar. You knew it’s inevitable.

But that’s okay. Because by then, you have learned to value every waking moment; by then, you have learned that the goal is not happiness, but strength, fortitude, and wisdom to understand that there will always be pain, and you can turn that into something beautiful.

Because by then, I’m sure, he will be there for you. And that will be enough.

I hope he will be enough. 

Lost will

I have nowhere, no one, nobody to talk to. I am left alone in ruin and suicidal thoughts begin resonating in my head. It has come to a point where I would think of stabbing myself with the fork I’m eating with, or simply stepping in front of a rushing vehicle. Nothing made sense. Not even this life. I was drowning in hatred. For the people who had always made me feel inadequate, those I ran to but refused to listen, and everyone I thought would see the insanity through all the jokes and laughter. I was drowning in hopelessness, anxiety, and tears. I don’t want this anymore. I want it to end.

Please, let this end.

See… this is… what I’ve always hated about being happy. There was always a price. Now, now everything is falling apart. I’ve lost any will to live. But I held onto the stoic principle. It will keep me alive, I know. Because if I kill myself now I know I will regret it. I have learned to love life.

I’m dying and nobody notices.

I’m dying and nobody takes notice.

I’m dying and nobody cares to notice.

I want to live but I’m dying to die

We are a blank, a void, a nothing

So this is what it’s like. It’s ridiculous to think that it was that easy to let things go. I was delusional.

Weeks have passed since that day. A lot has happened, yet I don’t seem to care as much. In fact, I hardly recall the details. Did any of it even matter?

Days went by and fragmented episodes of that day kept reappearing in my head. Sometimes it hurt, oftentimes it doesn’t. I thought it was because what I felt was mere curiosity. I held pride in having the ability to see through people, to read them easily––and I can’t read him. It bugged me for god knows how long. I thought I liked him then, and it was more than enough to rip my sanity off.

My mornings proceeded like how it normally did, same with the nights. I was getting numb again, and it bothered and calmed me at the same time. It made me think that perhaps, after all, there was nothing beyond that curiosity. Merely, he was a riddle I couldn’t solve. Merely, I was a child that couldn’t get over the missing puzzle piece. Merely, I was attracted to an unfamiliar toy; I was attracted to disasters I haven’t seen; to that rare instance of discovering something that hardly entered my peripheral.

I concluded that maybe, I mistook my obsession with unsolved mysteries for love. There was nothing beyond what you allowed on the surface. I was bored, and I simply needed a story I could tell someone someday, to put into reality the illusions I often created in my head, through you.

There was nothing in you and in me.

We are a blank, a void, a nothing.

I enjoyed the company of pain so much that a slight sting for every minuscule time you hurt me gets romanticized. I was in love with my idea of pain––pain from your supposed indifference, from the lack of requital, from reaching out to something that is impossible to hold onto.

You were merely a mystery, simply a means to an end. Yet you were happiness.
You became anxiety and dependence, yet you were happiness.

I went through everyday thinking I did just as fine as I figured I’d be, but then there you were again, standing sheepishly looking sideways, shyly asking to be played with again. But who wants to play with a useless, old toy? Who wants to re-solve a finished puzzle? Time allowed me to realize that I’m too old for these things, and as much as I want to play I’m not going to enjoy them the same way I used to. At least not anymore.

Was I mad? Was I indifferent? Did I hate you? Do I hate you? I don’t know. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to feel anything. But I was bored. And I was tired of being numb.

And you resurrected the pain. I recoiled, curled up, and basked in its warmth, as I replayed the agony I felt.