Mixed signals. False hopes. Either it’s me reading too much into your actions, or you’re intentionally leading me on. Or maybe it’s the third possibility – again, you didn’t know you were doing what you do to me. You were always naive, dense, oblivious and clueless.
What a load of crap.
Another post for you. We’re back at it again, aren’t we?
It’s not a lie, really, when I tell people that I’m not, or at least, no longer emotionally invested in you. In fact , I could thank you for not wanting me. You made me want myself.
But you’re dragging me into this state of confusion. Again. Am I trapped in the labyrinth again?
I’m not going to lie.
Sometimes I still think about how things could have been if I decided to change earlier. But then what you did to me was what urged this change, so it could lead to the same terminal anyhow. But then you could still change your mind and go back, couldn’t you? Even if this change came a little too late, maybe you’re not too late to change things on your side?
You can go back, can’t you? Maybe if you choose me now, you could still do something. Maybe we could make it work. Maybe I’d no longer have to look for someone else to share everything we didn’t with. Maybe we’d be better together. Maybe this is the right thing. Maybe we were right together. Maybe finally, you’d realize I was what you needed. Not her.
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
This is disgusting. These embarrassing and selfish feelings are beginning to surface again, and this is really, really, really, disappointing me. Pathetic, isn’t it, how I could conceive of things that way when I’ve been claiming to the heavens that I couldn’t be happier where I am now? You’re making me selfish and greedy, you know. And I don’t know if having these kind of feelings are enough to render me unmoved and apparently, still consumed by my thinly veiled desire to still possess you.
I don’t know. I could only think of it as an unfinished business, because there were no words.
It was a silent story. A story without an audience but ourselves.
I vaguely grasped what was happening, and maybe you did too.
But there were no words.
I didn’t know what I was to you, but maybe you knew what you were to me.
And it ended, right there. I hung suspended on the unknown.
Was it too late, was it too soon?
But it’s okay. Because I am okay now.
Think about it again.
You can still go back. You can choose me now. You could still do something. You can still try to make us work. We could still share everything I wished we did before now. We can still be better together, as better forms of our old selves.
But maybe I won’t go back. Maybe I won’t choose you anymore.
Because finally, I realized,
you’re not what I needed.