By then, I hope

Prompt: Maine’s latest blog post entitled “Blues”

Even if you’re happy now… at one point the bad things will hit you up again.

The wheel would start spinning, and you’ll have to deal with the same crap you’ve been through over and over. It’s a cycle, it has been distastefully familiar. You knew it’s inevitable.

But that’s okay. Because by then, you have learned to value every waking moment; by then, you have learned that the goal is not happiness, but strength, fortitude, and wisdom to understand that there will always be pain, and you can turn that into something beautiful.

Because by then, I’m sure, he will be there for you. And that will be enough.

I hope he will be enough. 

Final

Mixed signals. False hopes. Either it’s me reading too much into your actions, or you’re intentionally leading me on. Or maybe it’s the third possibility – again, you didn’t know you were doing what you do to me. You were always naive, dense, oblivious and clueless.

What a load of crap.

Another post for you. We’re back at it again, aren’t we?

It’s not a lie, really, when I tell people that I’m not, or at least, no longer emotionally invested in you. In fact , I could thank you for not wanting me. You made me want myself.

But you’re dragging me into this state of confusion. Again. Am I trapped in the labyrinth again?

I’m not going to lie.

Sometimes I still think about how things could have been if I decided to change earlier. But then what you did to me was what urged this change, so it could lead to the same terminal anyhow. But then you could still change your mind and go back, couldn’t you? Even if this change came a little too late, maybe you’re not too late to change things on your side?

You can go back, can’t you? Maybe if you choose me now, you could still do something. Maybe we could make it work. Maybe I’d no longer have to look for someone else to share everything we didn’t with. Maybe we’d be better together. Maybe this is the right thing. Maybe we were right together. Maybe finally, you’d realize I was what you needed. Not her.

Not her.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

This is disgusting. These embarrassing and selfish feelings are beginning to surface again, and this is really, really, really, disappointing me. Pathetic, isn’t it, how I could conceive of things that way when I’ve been claiming to the heavens that I couldn’t be happier where I am now? You’re making me selfish and greedy, you know. And I don’t know if having these kind of feelings are enough to render me unmoved and apparently, still consumed by my thinly veiled desire to still possess you.

I don’t know. I could only think of it as an unfinished business, because there were no words.

It was a silent story. A story without an audience but ourselves.

I vaguely grasped what was happening, and maybe you did too.

But there were no words.

I didn’t know what I was to you, but maybe you knew what you were to me.

And it ended, right there. I hung suspended on the unknown.

Was it too late, was it too soon?

But it’s okay. Because I am okay now.

Right.

Think about it again.

You can still go back. You can choose me now. You could still do something. You can still try to make us work. We could still share everything I wished we did before now. We can still be better together, as better forms of our old selves.

But maybe I won’t go back. Maybe I won’t choose you anymore.

Because finally, I realized,

you’re not what I needed.

Expanding horizons

A lot of things have changed since the moment I found my resolve.

I’m pretty much contented this way. This is relatively more fulfilling than anything I’ve had before. I reluctantly stepped out of my comfort zone and learned—just as it was for everyone—that the real fun was here.

It took me a while to adapt to this kind of setup, where I keep a pleasant face, an enthusiastic vibe, and a friendly disposition. It was a whole lot difficult in the beginning but it paid off. It cost a 180 degree change though—I had to change my thoughts and views about many things. Yet I acknowledge that indeed, everything begins in the mind.

Gradually, I progressed. I began to cope up with a new everyday, with the new me, and with a new set of friends and acquaintances. It didn’t take long before I realize I was driving a new course.

All of these things hardly crossed my mind. I never thought I—the me right now—could happen. I never thought that great things actually existed outside my zone. In retrospect, I remember myself completely convinced that venturing out was pointless. Because whenever I do, all I see and hear is bullshit in various forms—at least the worse form of crap I’ve been dealing with in my own tiny world. I was forced to endure all types of judgmental crap from different people. But then I reached a dead end. I was forced to go back and take a leap of faith.

And here I am. I’m not saying that  I have gone far, but I could tell that I am relatively farther than where I used to be. I never knew I could do it. I never knew I could do these things. I never knew I could be someone else besides the pessimistic, coward, selfish me.

And somehow that makes me happy.

‘Happy’ to a certain degree is too simple of an adjective to use, but it’s pretty much how it feels. It’s an umbrella term for the many things I feel. Right, it makes me happy—but a hint of sadness remains. I am technically nineteen, although practically still eighteen, and it felt like life only actually started for me at this age. I feel like I totally missed out on a lot of things and opportunities because I trapped myself inside my walls. I’ve lost countless chances.

And I don’t want to miss any of them anymore.

I wanted to tell him these things, these thoughts, and these realizations. I want him to know what I figured out. I want him to be there with me, watching as I fulfill the change I never thought I’d be. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to smile and laugh at me while yelling “I knew you could do it!”. I want him to see how happy I am about these changes.

I want to tell him everything.

I was determined to step up and get rid of anything that would hinder me from advancing forward. I promised myself I wouldn’t shy away anymore, that I wouldn’t hold back, and that whatever life has in store for me, I’d be strong enough to take it on.

I would be strong enough to—

Bam.

He was taken.

Bam. 

It was a small concussion. I was okay. It was okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

I was seriously fine. I was indifferent about it. I could freely talk about it with other people without flinching or feeling any sort of sting.

And then I thought, maybe I’ve finally moved on.

That day, without giving it much thought, I went home in high spirits.

It was always fun to hang around with close friends before going home. It was always fun.

Fun. Fun. Fun. Fun.

Until I had some time alone.

I didn’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be alone. I was spared with a lot of time to think and I regretted going home early. But then I had things to do.

But I can’t do it. I won’t do it. 

I didn’t have the strength to do anyth—

I got up and decided to work. On anything. Pubmats, probsets, readings, papers, whatever. I had to do something. I don’t want to think, I don’t want to mull over anything because if I did, I’m going to have to recollect what I just found out.

He was taken.

It resonated and echoed endlessly in my entirety.

I was seeing faces. I was hearing voices.
Memories in time-lapse played in my head.

And before I realized it, tears began streaming down my face.

I didn’t need words. I didn’t need explanations. I didn’t need to think about it.

All I knew is that it hurt.

History has finally repeated itself.

That night I just cried. My mind crumbling, my consciousness collapsing. My insides felt like being literally shattered into tiny fragments. Curled up at the corner of my bed, I sobbed until it felt alright to stop. I sobbed to forget. I sobbed to ease my burning chest. I sobbed til I was okay. Til I’m ready to work again. Til I’m ready to face the world again with head held high.

Til I’m prepared to let go, once and for all.

That was the last. That would be the last time I’d shed tears for him. We are friends again and that’s more than enough for me to continue changing.

Even though it all mattered on my side alone, I would cherish everything we had. Or more accurately, everything I had with him. I was happy I met him. I was happy I liked him. I was happy I loved him.

And I’m going to be okay now. I’m going to be alright being how we used to be.

you.

not wanting me.

was

the beginning of me

wanting myself.

thank you.

Things and people change, but time won’t stop for anyone. As we wallow in misery, or as we strive to proceed forward, it continues along, moving through the gaps between our fingers.

I won’t waste my time dwelling on wishful thinkings. I’ll get up because it’s the only choice I have. I’m venturing out in the open and I’m breaking free from the chains of fate.

I’m going to be the change that I wanted.

Because I am stronger. I am better.