I can’t help but feel useless.
Everyday I get up. Everyday I get out of my bed, only to further realize my augmenting insignificance. None of it made sense. None of these is making sense. I continue to wake up feeling more lonely each day. I wasn’t happy with myself. Neither when I was with other people. I’m not happy when I’m home. And only yesterday when I realized that I wasn’t happy with my best pals either. Although I laughed and joked around with them. Although I provided the comical vibe. I don’t even talk to Mom anymore. She wasn’t trying either. But that’s okay. Who am I to complain, I wasn’t doing anything that great for the person who gave me everything I needed and didn’t. All I did was pursue an honor that was meaningless in the long run. I poured my life to learning and education. I gambled my happiness for something I thought was eternal tranquility. I was blind. And now I don’t even have many friends. My siblings said I didn’t have friends because I am exactly like this. And heartbreaking enough, my mom says that a lot too. Haha, like you understand. I thought you were the only one who understood me. Turned out not even you.
This feels a whole lot like living to die. The thought neither pains me nor comforts me. Why do I feel like I ran away from happiness despite presumably thinking that it was right within reach? Maybe I should have just lived for the moment. What of the future, I’m not even sure if I could live up to it. Maybe I should just do what I want. What of the honor and praise, that doesn’t, after all, make me any more deserving of Mom’s love. UP blinded me. I gave the community more attention than myself. Why do I carry the burden of assuring that the unprivileged have it or will have it together soon, or someday? Why do I have to care about their well-being? Why do I have to put other people’s happiness before me? Why wasn’t I happy even after everything I did for this stupid world? Even after venturing on a significant existence? Why does it feel like none of my hardwork paid off? Why do I feel like all of my hardships were useless? Why? Why, God?
Why am I unhappy when I did everything right? Am I not entitled to become happy?
Why don’t you just let me die?
Right. Why won’t I just die.
Trying was proved senseless.
This is not living.
This is just not being dead. Physically.
After a long time, I finally had some time to get back to my old self. I feel like a child again. It’s pretty sad that this happy feeling doesn’t last, and I’m usually stuck at that point in my life where I’m simply just motivated to do a lot of things, and I don’t make a lot of effort to inch forward.
Phew. I don’t know. Movies, a little practice on photoshop, checking out animes, playing with our dogs, learning new songs with my guitar, nonstop attempt on singing and shit. That’s all I do. And none of these things were in my initial to-do-list this vacation. I wanted to be productive. I wanted to hone my graphic making skills. I wanted to learn a lil bit of videography. I wanted so much of the things that would pamper my ego, and that would at least make me feel less inferior to him. Because I’m feeling so small, so small now… Like I was a-good-for-nothing idiot. I thought I’ve made it in here because I was doing just great in life. I studied in the highest university. I worked hard. I didn’t have vices. I put off things that would hinder me from being successful. I wrote off my own dreams to concentrate on my course. I didn’t go to a lot of parties. I shut out a lot of people. I did almost anything to uplift the image and honor I’ve established ever since I was a kid. The kind of honor my sisters couldn’t give Mom, because I thought they were useless and worthless.
And now I’m beginning to think I chose the wrong path. I’m the lone person here that isn’t happy. Honor and excellence. I thought I was doing everything right. I wanted it more than anyone. And yet I’m here. Drowning. Suffocated by own decision of isolation. I was there already—I felt the advantage of being different. Or more accurately, in my perspective back then, being distinct.
I guess that was my reward for being alone. Or putting it another way, I guess being alone was the price.
And I’m not happy. I’m no longer happy.
Yet I feel like no one can hurt me anymore. Because I have nobody. I don’t have anyone I love left.
Studying. Yeah. Studying.
I have to admit, I’m deluding myself that studying is a fun thing to do. I had to. I had to to keep myself on the go whenever and wherever, regardless the circumstances. And I guess it’s not very bad because I’m not losing a lot—just time (just: yeah, what a proper word to precede time). I don’t lose a lot because time is all it has to take to study. And sadly enough, I waste a lot of it.
I love learning but not studying. There’s a whole lot of difference. Learning includes excitement and unplanned curiosity, lots of discoveries I didn’t think would be so awesome to find out. Studying, in a sense, has responsibility tangled to it. Like it’s something you do to please someone, to please people–attain high grades, get to somewhere after, assure yourself of the bright future everybody tells you about, and the sort of stuff alike.
I’m not really sure where this post is going, but I’m studying anyway. I study for my Mom, and sometimes, for myself. I don’t care if time lost was wasted on studying, it’s the only way to compensate for all the time my mom spent providing us the life we needed anyway—no, actually, a life that is more than what we needed. And I’m glad I grew up not depending on what money could do; I grew up without thinking money is the answer. And it’s all because of Mom.
Pretty vague, I know. I don’t care.
I wrote this on a whim–out of an urge to write something about how I don’t like studying. And I sort of thought the post would look nice if I blabbed more irrelevant stuff.
So yea. School doesn’t entirely suck. It sucks to an extent that we have to study to attain high grades; to find some sense of pride and achievement in being regarded and labeled through that means.
Yea. Cool. I have to study now coz I’m very fucked this week.