Follow-through

I suck at relationships, really. Not specifically the romantic kind because I don’t even have first hand knowledge of it. I mean in a general sense. I suck.

I fucking suck.

Beside sucking at keeping in touch, I suck at being appreciative and expressing my sentiments in a way that does not come off too offensive. I have a sharp tongue. I kind of believed I had it toned down a bit but it’s as sharp as ever. I don’t know how to apologize properly, and I keep choosing my pride and ego over anything.

There are times, though, that I stepped on my pride to keep my friendship with someone but most of them ended up with me regretting doing it in the first place. I don’t know. I try for people but I just don’t seem to get any of it right.

I like rare and a lot of rare things and people that I stumbled upon ended up slipping away. It has to be my fault, isn’t it? And I know that opening up this kind of thing to people will only result to them reprimanding me and lecturing me, telling me the same thing almost everyone has told me, even myself–-–that I only stop at realizations and I don’t really attempt to change anything.

You know, reality is, you can have all this kind of realizations and still be unable to do anything about it. And what I fucking hate the most? Almost everyone I talk to makes it sound so simple. They speak as if knowing the right thing and doing just that is so fucking easy. NOPE. Knowing what’s right and doing it are two separate things. Not everyone easily learns the follow-through.

It makes me sick. When people start getting self-righteous, I have this urge to scream at them. But I resort to silence. I resort to walking away. Because it will get nowhere. I will get pissed and become irrational.

Maybe I’m really better off alone.

I’m probably better off alone.

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Dissonance

My depression hasn’t been around for a while now, but when it comes it sure does a lot of damaging to my brain.

How odd. How odd it is to feel everything and nothing at the same time. I don’t understand how sadness can come out of nothing, nor how people can feel exactly opposite things simultaneously. The only thing I know is that this kept happening to me. And I’m always left feeling unable to distinguish what’s real from what isn’t.

I’m always conflicted about how I should deal with things when shit suddenly decides to blow up. Voices, there are too many voices inside my head. The emotional and the logical one. The quiet and the talkative. The friendly and the snob. Happy and lonely. Each of them siding on two opposing entities; bluntly put, between who I am, and who I wanted people to think I was.

I’m always torn between protecting the peaceful life I have, and speaking up to rectify the bullshit being paraded right across my face––-I see things, I understand, and I keep quiet about them–-–as much as I want this to be the case, the urge to do the latter becomes stronger whenever I realize people see the same stupidity but choose to keep quiet. I cannot not do anything.

I can’t. It’s stifling. I can’t just shut up even if it is the better option.

And that’s some serious problem.

I am unable to enjoy the “peaceful” life because I keep getting into trouble. I keep getting hated, being made fun of for saying what everyone couldn’t. I keep thinking about the damage I made and how people will try to get back at me. I think about, just every thing.

I am in dire need of a peaceful life but this deadly urge to correct the bullshit every time just makes it a glaring impossibility.

There will always be this vexing disharmony between what I want and what I do.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t

Ever encountered people who will really go out of their way to make you feel shitty for being who you are? Yeah, I know. What a miserable bunch. They will try to put you down for being everything that you are because everything that you are is everything they are not.

Trying to please everyone around you feels like being in a labyrinth — a huge one that didn’t actually have a way out. You go around strategizing and changing approaches, thinking if you tried hard enough, you’ll finally locate one.

But no, you’re perpetually trapped in the goddamn thing.

My life is like that kind of labyrinth.

Of course, I have changed my perspective on things through college. I realized just how idiotic and pointless it was to try to get everyone to like you, it won’t happen. But just because you understood that doesn’t mean change quickly follows. That kind of mindset was a social embedding made when I was a kid. It’s not going to wean off that easily.

All this time, it felt like I was just blindly trying to figure my way out of things. I tried to learn everything on my own as much as I can, tried to do everything as much as I could, all while simultaneously dealing with my twisted dispositions and emotional predicaments as a teenager. But none of it sufficed. Although I know it wasn’t, it’s as if none of my hardships paid off. As if all of these is stupidly pointless. And pointlessly stupid. 

And it never helped when discouragement and put downs came from the very people I expected support from. It never helped when people, especially my family, talk to me like I’m not doing it right.

Like how I might be a little too outspoken, honest, or straightforward.

Like how my strong personality might be too threatening to a potential partner’s ego.

Like how I might not be enjoying life the way I should.

Like how I might be too opinionated for my own good.

Like how I might be a little too serious for my age.

Like how I — there are tons of things. Innumerable. I never got it right. If you do nothing, people tell you off. If you try to do everything, people still do. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I was always either doing it wrongly or inadequately. It was always not enough. It was simply never fucking enough.

I’m tired. At times like this, the only thing I could do is walk away.

You can’t keep insisting gold to a person who only sees blue. You can never describe light to a person born blind. People deny and destroy what they can’t make sense of. You cannot force everyone to see things the way you see it. You cannot make everyone understand.

But you can try. You can only try hard enough.

Forewarning

Prompt: I trusted you, okay. I fucking trusted you and you were beating her all this time. You were fucking beating her.

Hey, do you have a dream? Do you have something you want to do when you grow up?

I had a lot of dreams when I was little. I wanted to be an animator, a writer, a doctor, a civil engineer, a lawyer, a band vocalist, a journalist; I wanted to be a lot of people for a lot of people. But when I entered high school, those dreams vanished. Whenever people ask me about my life ambitions, the only thing I tell them is that I want to have a family. I wanted to get married at 18, and be a mother at 22. I wanted to be a young mom so I don’t look way too old for my child.

I know, haha, it was a childish and stupid dream. And I think it was that same time I lost sight of the goal, suppose that I had any.

My friends invited me to enroll for a review center during summer vacation after my junior year in high school. I didn’t know what the fuss is with going to a review center that time, but I tagged along anyway. I knew then that it was some sort of review for college entrance exams. I was surprised. I thought that after high school, I could just go to a college I want and study. I didn’t know I had to take entrance exams. It was a silly thing to admit, especially being the only top student in the gang. I didn’t even know anything about UP then. I didn’t know UPCAT. Heck, I didn’t know what to do after high school—I didn’t have a damn direction. The only thing I remember is that Mom wants me to pursue medicine, while my grandparents are pressing me to take up law.

I wasn’t interested even after knowing all about it actually, but I was scared because they were all so worked up. And I’m not. That should be scary, right? Anyway, ironically I was the only one who passed UP.

A lot of things had happened in this household. I reckoned somehow you understood my resentment towards that asshole of a boyfriend of my eldest sister? He was hurting her physically. The only time I knew about it was when I was in 3rd year high school. She went home crying, her eyes swelling, her left cheekbone internally bleeding. Her cheekbone. Is fucking. Bleeding. Internally.

I was horrified. I easvesdropped while she was talking to my second eldest sister, and I found out that that bastard socked her when they had a fight. Left her in MOA (which was fucking miles away from home) and took her bag with him.

I was so angry. So angry. It was an understatement. I wanted to kill him.

Upon entering college, I still didn’t know who and what I was supposed to be. I didn’t have a direction. Until bad news kept coming in the house. Mom was scammed, that bastard cheated on her again, our house was robbed. I lost two cellphones in two fucking weeks, and I lost my wallet with my ATM in it. I was young, and those things happened simultaneously for the first time in my first year in college. It was a horrible life, I thought.

Series of unpleasant events came my way, and when I became a junior in college—or nope, actually, after turning nineteen, things changed for me. Long long long story, but anyway, I have a goal now. I want to be a lawyer. For real this time. And I suppose you understand how so a bit, after everything we’ve been through.

I love art and music more than anything. But there are far greater things I believe I could do while keeping those interests intact—I needed to protect my family. And I thought, maybe being a lawyer will do it. Surely, it should do it. There are a lot of things I could do when I become one, I thought. There are a lot of things I need and want to do for them. That’s the only thing I could think of now. I need to protect them. I want to protect them.

Sorry, that was all random, wasn’t it? I forgot to tell you why for another simple reason: I wanted to get rid of that asshole. For 8 fucking years (comprehend that mother of zeus), my sister stayed with him. Jesus Christ. That’s stupidity on a whole new level. I gave him three fucking chances for the three fucking times he cheated. Three, f u c k i n g, times. He was just using my sister, anyone could tell, or maybe at least people allergic to bullshit could.

He needs to pay for everything he did. He ruined her life; she let him; and everything she did from then on ruined our family in so many ways. God knows how much I hate her too. But I thought, maybe if he’s gone, we’ll have a chance.

Of course, you know I can’t kill him. I won’t; that’s too easy. I’m going to ruin his life. I’ll take everything away from him and ruin the lives of the people he valued. I’ll destroy everything until he pleads to be killed. Or better, until he kills himself. Tragic, no?

That’s why I’m thankful that you were a good guy to my sister. I don’t hate you for getting her pregnant, don’t worry. I would choose you over every talented guy out there who’d do the same thing that piece of shit did. You were nice, polite, and honest. I hope you don’t change that part of you.

But if I find out you were doing the same now, I’d add you to the list of lives I’ll ruin.

Don’t forget.

Dont

fucking

forget.

Like air

I lost something.
A very important part of me.
The worst part is that I probably never had it.

He came into my life a cool breeze
Everyone knows that you can’t catch air
— but I’m a fool and I tried.
And just when I thought I had him,
he slipped right through my fingers — just like air.

When I close my eyes
I can feel his arms wrapped around me,
grabbing my hand and pointing at Orion.
I can feel his breath on my neck,
his body stilling my cold shivers.

I replay that moment every time I blink.

I heard him whisper to open my heart;
I felt him open his.
And for the first time in a long time,
I felt safe.

Every fear that I had,
Every insecurity vanished
when he told me he loved me.

So soft. So low. So gentle. So real.

The moment magnified
I could hear the fish swim in the river below
I could see the fragment of glass on the moon
And everything went silent.

So quiet that you could hear my breathless response.

I wanted to cry
I wanted to scream at the moon and blame God for all these.
But then like air – it disappeared.

His breathing got heavy
I saw flickers in his eyes
And within a matter of seconds,
My world came crashing down.

His confessions cut me like shrapnel.
And even though his thoughts hadn’t become actions
I couldn’t help but feel like I had lost him.

It hurt so bad. So bad.
He turned the tables on me with his delicate slyness;
made me feel as though I had committed the ultimate crime.
And what did I do? I let him.

He made my eyes melt,
my ears bleed,
my heart ache.
And just like a cool sudden breeze — he was gone.

He removed a pebble from my foundation
Collapsed the greatest pyramid in Egypt
And after the dust cleared,
and the air had returned to it’s resting stage
I was left alone in ruins.

Like air

I was gone

On my own

I can’t help but feel useless.
Everyday I get up. Everyday I get out of my bed, only to further realize my augmenting insignificance. None of it made sense. None of these is making sense. I continue to wake up feeling more lonely each day. I wasn’t happy with myself. Neither when I was with other people. I’m not happy when I’m home. And only yesterday when I realized that I wasn’t happy with my best pals either. Although I laughed and joked around with them. Although I provided the comical vibe. I don’t even talk to Mom anymore. She wasn’t trying either. But that’s okay. Who am I to complain, I wasn’t doing anything that great for the person who gave me everything I needed and didn’t. All I did was pursue an honor that was meaningless in the long run. I poured my life to learning and education. I gambled my happiness for something I thought was eternal tranquility. I was blind. And now I don’t even have many friends. My siblings said I didn’t have friends because I am exactly like this. And heartbreaking enough, my mom says that a lot too. Haha, like you understand. I thought you were the only one who understood me. Turned out not even you.

This feels a whole lot like living to die. The thought neither pains me nor comforts me. Why do I feel like I ran away from happiness despite presumably thinking that it was right within reach? Maybe I should have just lived for the moment. What of the future, I’m not even sure if I could live up to it. Maybe I should just do what I want. What of the honor and praise, that doesn’t, after all, make me any more deserving of Mom’s love. UP blinded me. I gave the community more attention than myself. Why do I carry the burden of assuring that the unprivileged have it or will have it together soon, or someday? Why do I have to care about their well-being? Why do I have to put other people’s happiness before me? Why wasn’t I happy even after everything I did for this stupid world? Even after venturing on a significant existence? Why does it feel like none of my hardwork paid off? Why do I feel like all of my hardships were useless? Why? Why, God?

Why am I unhappy when I did everything right? Am I not entitled to become happy?

Why don’t you just let me die?

Right. Why won’t I just die.
Trying was proved senseless.
This is not living.
This is just not being dead. Physically.